Things Only Remy's Cat Knows
by Gambit's Nightmare
Summary: AU. A story about what it's like to be Remy Lebeau's cat. Complete!
1. Kittenhood

**Things Only Remy's Cat Knows**

**Chapter 1, Kittenhood**

_(Two cats are in a veterinarian clinic, one adult sitting in Gambit's lap talking to a caged kitten with no home.)_

Remy walked past the alley where I lived on the New Orleans streets and the ends of his coat caught my attention. I was just a few weeks old then, and chased after the lively fabric with all the ferocity a kitten can muster. I swatted at them with my claws, catching the fabric in them. Unfortunately, one of my claws got stuck and I was left hanging from his coat, unable to escape as Remy bent over and gently picked me up. One of his large hands supported my tiny body as he used his other hand to gently unhook my claws from his coat.

"Now, what are y'doin, eh, kitty?" He asked.

_Meow! Meow! Meow! (Please don't hurt me!) Mew! Meeeeow! (I'll leave you alone, I promise!)_

I tried to claw at him, but found that it was impossible to do while he held me like that. My frightened eyes met his, and some part of me knew he wasn't going to hurt me. He looked over my head and frowned. "Y'live in dis alley, kitty? Dis used t'be Remy's home too."

_Mew! Meow! (Please let me go home!)_

It was as if he understood me, even though he still seemed so sad.

"Non, kitty, Remy not gonna let y'live in dat alley!" He said.

_MEW! (No!)_

I started crying. I didn't want to leave my home behind! That alley had the best garbage to eat, plus, it was warmer than some of the others. I tried to fight him with everything I had in me, but he just held me firmly. "Shhh! Don' worry." Still, I struggled against him until I didn't have any strength left in me. I resigned myself to the fact that I was probably about to become Chinese food and decided to spend my last moments enjoying the fact that his hands were warm and soft. As I relaxed, he pulled my closer to him and I rested my head against his chest as stroked my dirty fur.

Remy walked into a gas station and bought a pint of milk and a beer. I was so scared and confused by then, I knew I wouldn't be able to find my way home even if Remy let me go. The sounds of cars and all the strangers frightened me.

_Mew mew mew! (Please don't put me down! I'm scared!)_

He whispered reassuring things into my ear as he walked into a building and then through a door into his apartment. He took a beautiful crystal bowl out of the cabinet and filled it with milk then sat down on the floor and gave it to me. "See? S'alright, kitty, Remy gonna take care of you."

Milk! My mom used to give me milk before she was hit by a car. My mom loved me, she took care of me. And Remy was giving me milk too. It seemed too good to be true, and I just knew that becoming Chinese food was involved somewhere. I was so scared! I took a few laps of the milk, then threw up and ran away, trying to find a place to hide. I ran under the table and peeked out at Remy from under the long tablecloth. He cleaned up the vomit and picked up the dish. He took away the milk and I had barely had any!

_Mew! Mew mew mew meow! (Don't take it away!)_

Remy smiled and I ran under the table, hiding behind one of it's legs as Remy laid down on the floor and peeked his head under. That's when I knew he wasn't like other humans – his eyes glowed, they looked so kind as he pushed the dish under the table toward me. I didn't care about the milk right then. I walked forward slowly, summoning all of my bravery as I got closer to the face of the strange man. I stretched my neck and sniffed Remy's chin.

Then, he left me alone with the milk so I wouldn't be scared. I drank until I was full…I hadn't been full since Mom died. Still, I was curious about Remy's apartment and cautiously walked back into the kitchen, ready to run at any sign of danger. For over an hour, I explored Remy's beautiful apartment, and then I got to the bedroom. I used my claws to climb the side of his bed like the mountain that it was. I was shocked when I got to the top. So soft, so clean…I had to stop and feel it with my claws, kneading the soft comforter in disbelief. The bed smelled like Remy. Was he a King to be able to sleep on such a soft place? I curled up and fell into the deepest sleep.

When I woke up, a familiar hand was stroking my back. I stood up and stretched, leaning into Remy's kind touch. Then he picked me up and took me into the other bedroom, where he'd done the most amazing thing! In the corner, I had a bowl of the tastiest food, better than anything I'd ever found in the garbage. And a bowl of the cleanest water…I couldn't believe it. Then he took a bag out and dumped it out in front of me. Toys! There were so many kitty toys, I dove into them, desperately trying to destroy twenty fake mice and half a dozen balls at once.

By the time I went to bed that night, I was clean (Remy hated baths when he was little too!), I was full, and I'd barely been put down, showered in attention by the Cajun. Heaven! Then, when Remy was finally ready for bed, he carried me to his room and put me on the big soft bed next to him. I slept for awhile, then I woke up and it was still dark. I thought about how great my new master was and suddenly didn't want to be on the other side of the bed. I stood up and gently walked across the bed, crawling onto his warm chest and then curling up.

Remy woke up the next day and we were inseparable. I followed his big feet everywhere, occasionally nibbling them when he ignored me for too long. And then, he left. I was distraught! I walked around the house searching for him, then stood at the door crying all day. When he got home, I was tired and had no voice. He just smiled and me and picked me up, scratching my chin as hung his coat. "Remy come up wit a name f'ya. Oscar, cause Remy found y'in da trash!" Oscar! I loved my new name.

The next day was a little different. While he was gone, I found ways to make myself busy, doing things like tasting the houseplants, batting electric outlets (bad idea), playing with all the toys Remy bought me, and my favorite activity of all – running through the stacks of sorted cards on Remy's dresser, sending them off the dresser, behind it, and jumbling the decks.

That's how we lived while I was growing up. I loved Remy so much.

And then, one day, strange man came to see Remy. He was tall, his skin whiter than milk. He scared me so much, even as a kitten. Remy called him 'Sinister.' He slapped my master, and I tried to scratch his legs. He kicked me, and it really hurt!

When Sinister left, Remy went to our room and began packing a bag. I knew he was going somewhere, and I kept trying to crawl into the bag so he wouldn't forget me. "Remy's sorry, Oscar, but y'gotta go live wit y'uncle Henri."

I was heartbroken!

He left me with Henri and scratched my chin one last time before he walked out and left me on my own.

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**Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. I know cats can't talk, that they don't understand humans, and that Remy didn't have one. **

**Leave me comments!**

**Pwease?**

**Pwitty pwease?**


	2. Adventures!

**Things Only Remy's Cat Knows**

**Chapter 2, Adulthood**

Remy came back for me, just like I knew he would.

He was sad though. At night, he'd have nightmares. I'd cuddle up on his chest when he laid awake at night and talked to me. Really, he wasn't talking to 'me,' he was talking and I just happened to be the only creature there. I didn't understand everything he said, but I listened intently, which was the important part.

"He lied t'me." He said.

_Mew!_ _(I'm sorry, Remy)_

I wanted him to know that I was his friend, and he never needed to leave me behind again.

He didn't.

Everywhere he went, I went with him. Jewel heists, art theft, and everything else you can imagine, I was there, traveling with him in my soft green carrier. We were a good team, too. Everybody knows people hate keeping secrets. Remy told me all of his.

Those were good times for us.

He stole a string of Tahitian pearls once and my curiosity nearly killed me when Remy came in and found me standing in the middle of the floor, batting the pearls around the floor, having broken the string they were on hours before. "Oscar!" He yelled. He spent the better part of the next morning crawling around on the floor on his hands and knees looking for the pearls while I stood as lookout on his back. Then, he let me help him re-string them!

Sometimes, he'd bring women in and out. I didn't like them very much. Cuddling with Remy was MY job! Sometimes, I'd shred their clothes while they slept in our bed, snuggling with my Remy. Of course, they just assumed it was something Remy had done in what never ceased to be more than a fifteen second race to get his many mates naked.

One night, he ran into a little girl. She was so sweet! She treated me so well, sometimes I think Remy was jealous that I liked her so much. Long story short, she was actually a woman named Storm, who lead Remy to the X-Men. Even there, I stayed with Remy. My master was a superhero! I was so proud of him, and happy for him. He started to like this other human, her name was Rogue. When she came into the picture, he spent less time with me, so I was naturally jealous.

I set out to sabotage their relationship. If Rogue had a pile of clean laundry, I NEEDED to sleep right on top of it and get my fur all over her clothes. One time, I even snuck outside and killed a bird, then put it in her bed. I knew what Remy would do. "He just tryin' t'give you a present, chere." If she was walking down the stairs, I naturally needed to walk right in front of her, doing every maneuver I could think of to trip her. I soon learned she could fly, and that this was mostly useless, but still I tried. And then, Remy began scowling at me and telling me, ME, his precious Oscar, his kitty, that word I never thought I'd hear. "NO."

And I naturally took it out on Remy by eating all his shoelaces in the middle of the night. If I could have blamed it on her, I would have. I started acting out in mischief against the other members, and barely ever took the blame for it. Storm blamed Beast when I ate one of her plants, Jubilee blamed Logan for scratching and ruining some of her clothes, Rogue blamed Remy when I used her bed as a scratching post (I don't know why, even now), and, possibly the most amusing – Cyclops accused Bobby of peeing in Jean's garden.

I saw him grow and change a lot. I think sometimes, that Remy was like a kitten when he found me, and that he grew into a real tiger while he was with the X-Men. I saw him fight a couple of times when our nice home was attacked. He was so brave! Other people came and went, and sometimes I think I was happiest to be the cat on some lonely mutants lap (which was amusingly Bobby Drake in most cases).

The white man with red eyes came into our home at the mansion one night. I remembered him. He hurt me and Remy when I was just a kitten. This time, when I saw him, I was smart. I crawled up the curtains and leapt onto his face, scratching at his face. He threw my down and I ran away. They others got him though, and that made me feel like part of the team. Oscar the X-Kitty!

Ahhh…life with the X-Men. I learned how to evade death when we were with them. Those silly mutants were always blowing up, burning, or otherwise destroying our home. Or, if they weren't, someone else was. I learned things.

1. When Logan growls, nobody wins, someone gets hurt, and everything gets demolished.  
2. Cat's hate water, but love to eat plants. Want a shower? Eat one of Storm's.  
3. Scott Summers may have a stick up his ass, but he gives a damn good back stratch.  
4. Kurt is scary. Bamf my little ass.  
5. 'Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty,' is meant for me, unless Colossus says it, in which case I DON'T want to come.

After one mission, Remy didn't come home when the others did, and everyone was upset. That could only have meant one thing! I ran down to the Medlab, losing traction several times as a sped through the mansion. Remy was asleep and hurt badly. I heard Beast say he was in a coma, but I never found out why…I guess it doesn't matter. I stayed by his side until he opened his eyes and I knew he was going to be okay. I lost three pounds while he was sleeping, I was so afraid he was never going to get up. When he finally did, I was so happy!

_Meow! Mew Mew Mew Mew! (You son of a bitch, no more catnaps for you!)_

He smiled at me and stroked my fur, the same way he did the same day he rescued me from eating garbage in that alley.

A couple of years later, it happened again. Except, this time, I rushed to Hank and there was no Remy! I walked all over the mansion looking for my master. I cried, I begged, I hissed, I spat…nothing made Remy come back.

I knew he was dead when Storm moved my food bowls to her bedroom.

  


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**Next Chapter: How to Be Remy's Kitty**

Doza – I love cats. I have a new little kitten which I named Logan, because he REALLY overuses his claws.  
BJ – Of course, the only mangy bitch Remy will ever love is Rogue! (hehehehe!)  
Shockgoddess – Here's more, I hope you enjoy.  
Puppybaddog – I am officially jealous of fictional Remy's even more fictional cat. Who wouldn't love to snuggle that man?  
BlkDiamond – Yeah, I thought of you when I wrote this. (p.s. check your email!)  
Selene – Awww…that's cute! Yay for you for rescuing a kitty too!  
Angelique Sauvegarde – Yes, that's very true.


	3. Aging Feline Wisdom

**Things Only Remy's Cat Knows**

**Special thanks to BlkDiamond for Coauthoring this chapter! She's awesome!**

**Chapter 3, Aging Feline Wisdom**

As Stormy (that's what Remy always called her, she'd act like she didn't like it but he knew she did her eyes would always start twinkling) carried me to her room all I could think of was 'Why now, we were happy!'

_Meooow, meooow oowww_ _(what happened? I want Remy!)_

Poor Stormy was so sad. Remy wouldn't want her to be sad, he didn't want anyone to be sad! He'd go out of his way to make them smile.

_Meow, meooow, aoww_ _(Don't be sad, Remy wouldn't want you to be sad.)_

Stormy looked down at me and smiled as I started to purr, trying to make her feel better. I wondered if she remembered when he put a basket of rose petals above her door so when she entered her room they would dump on her head?

Remy and I were hiding in the corner when she came in and they fell all over her, I couldn't help myself I had to try and catch one! She was laughing and trying to blow them out the window as I was jumping up trying to catch one. And while all of this was happening, Remy was curled up in the corner laughing his head off. When she finally got them all out and quit laughing, she looked at him and told him if he picked all her roses he was going to be sorry.

_Meoow (remember), _

I sifted at the miniature rose Remy give her after the rose petal incident. She smiled; I knew she also was remembering. Remy laughed and explained that he knew better than to pick her roses, if he valued his life and limbs. A local florist had a batch of dying roses, and Remy thought this would be a good way to use them.

_Roorwll_, _(see he cared for you)_

Life with Storm was nice, it was nothing like getting into trouble with Remy, but we had some good times.

And then, one day I was sleeping on the couch when someone picked me up. "Hello, cha, y'miss Remy?"

Remy was alive! And holding me! I, of course, was incredibly pissed off. Why did he leave me alone so long? I scratched him in the face and ran toward our old room, which was open. Remy chased after me, but I ran under a table, which hit him in the groin. I jumped onto the bed and started clawing at his pillow, which still faintly held his scent. When I finally got tired of that, I looked up and saw Remy sitting on the bed next to me. I carefully walked toward him, and sniffed one of his huge hands – the hands that had rescued me from being a homeless, hapless kitten. Then, I jumped and attached myself to Remy's chest and purred as he stroked my fur.

Eventually, Remy left the X-Mansion and found a mate back home, Bella. His favorite kitty went with him, of course. Bella and I had some adjustment problems, most of which we resolved on our own. I get to sleep on the clean laundry and she doesn't get surprise attacks while she sleeps. He's happier now than anytime I can remember, and I've been with Remy for so long.

There are a lot of important things a kitty needs to know about being Remy's cat; it's not an easy job!

First of all, they have kids. Noisy, messy monsters that want to 'pet the kitty.' The oldest one, a girl, is really nice, and her bed is soft. Her room is a good hiding place because she'll clobber the other two if they try to enter her space. All three are highly territorial. It's fun to hide under their beds and attack their feet as they walk by. However, be gentle, this is the very reason I was eventually de-clawed. The second one, Henri, is meaner than hell, and regularly attempts to flush me down the toilet. Just meow loud enough and someone will rescue you. Also, Remy likes his children more than me and Bella. Never, ever get between them!

Secondly, there's Bella. She's crazy, especially when she's pregnant, which has been quite a lot of their five year marriage. But, when she's pregnant, she cooks and eats a lot, and throws me food scraps. Remy says it's not good for me now that I'm old, so we only do it when he isn't home. I love cheese! When Remy is home, we pretend not to like each other, but when he's gone, we're the best of friends! He would be jealous if he knew. She even kept me from getting in trouble when I ate the pet hamster by getting a new one. No one ever knew except us!

Bedroom rules are very important as well. If you play your cards just right, you get the ever-amusing 'Remy, shave y'face in da morning' from Bella as she unknowingly snuggles up to you. Her face is always the same when she wakes up, as is Remy's laughter. It's very important that I sleep on the pillows between them, just so Remy always remembers that Bella will never take me place as his primary cuddle provider. When they act strangely and put me out in the hall, I sit at the door and meow as loud as I can until I spoil their mood and they let me back in. This is crucial in my fight against the children. The last thing I need is another one of those to yank on my tail, throw me in the pool, etc.

And, above all, never, ever leave Remy alone. Bella nags, the children fight, but I always stay with Remy. If he fights with Bella, I am on his side. When he gets frustrated and lays down in the den, I always curl up on his chest while he talks to me about his lack of wisdom in getting married and having children. Not that he regrets it, he's just really dramatic when no humans are around.

Remember all these things, Kitten.

**(End Cat Dialogue)**

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**(Switch to third person)**

"Mr. Lebeau, are you ready?" The veterinarian asked.

Remy picked up Oscar, looked at him. "Non. Y'sure we gotta do this?"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Lebeau. It's always hard to lose a family pet after so many years." The veterinarian frowned. "But, it's best to do this now before Oscar's condition declines further and he feels more pain."

Remy put on his sunglasses and followed the doctor into an exam room.

When he emerged a few minutes later, without Oscar, he paid the vet and turned to walk out when the kitten stood up on his hind legs and started to meow. Remy knelt down and put his hand close to the cage; the kitten playfully grabbed it and looked up at Remy. He smiled sadly and turned to the receptionist. "Dis lil' guy gotta home?"

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**The End!**

Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. And I know Remy/Bella is a strange pairing, but I thought it was kinda funny, big bad assassin and Remy kitty!

Doza – I hope you liked this. Not my usual, that's for sure.  
Rogue14 – Everyone knows about Scott's stick. Mutants like Logan and animals can probably smell what an uptight prick he is.  
Puppybaddog – No scratching Rogue. I thought about it, but was like 'this is my fluffy fic! I want no flames!'  
BJ2 – My older cat follows me everywhere, it's so cute.  
BlkDiamond – Bobby gets blamed for everything weird that happens, just like Remy is always the traitor. (grumbles)  
utsuri – I took it partially from an episode of X-Men Evolution. He totally wrecks his room.  
WolvieFanSpell – Yay! Kitties rock.  
Shockgoddess – Poor kitty. I wouldn't want to share Remy, either. That seems to be a recurring theme when it comes to Remy.  
Herszel – My cat is huge, and likes to cuddle with me, often cutting off the circulation to my limbs. Count your blessings.  
Celynne – I can't kill Remy. I could, but not in a fluffy fic.  
crystalwish – Ta-da! It is updated.  
cute lil red head – Thanks!


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